Pursuant to recent court rulings that when human sperm come in contact with eggs those eggs are bestowed with the image and glory of God, and therefore the destruction of those eggs is a sin comparable to the crucifixion of Christ, we have forthwith adopted new guidelines regarding the preparation and storage of frozen embryos conceived via IVF in our clinic.
Going forward, patient information and disclosure forms will be updated with the following language:
By electing to participate in IVF, you understand that you are potentially acting outside the will and design of Almighty God, and that every embryo created through this process, including non-viable embryos, has been endowed with an immortal soul. You agree that you alone are responsible for these souls until they reach the age of discretion (seven years old, per Catholic doctrine, the official doctrine of the State of Alabama, which you’d think would be Southern Baptist, but you’d only be half-right), and which point these embryos will be responsible for their own actions. You agree to indemnify this clinic for its part in participating in this stochastically unholy act.
Every IVF procedure will have an additional step of Embryo Baptism: All products of the IVF process, at the discretion of the patient (they might be Baptists, who ironically don’t commonly participate in this,) will be sprinkled with liquid nitrogen blessed by the hospital chaplain, who is also responsible for administration of the rite. Nitrogen will be used for its cryogenic properties, as a reminder of the preferred means of capital punishment in the State, and for the cool cloud effect.
Per commonly accepted practices of the rite of baptism, all embryos will be required to have a name. If the patient has not considered a name for the dozens of potential embryos, using the clinic labeling standard for storage is acceptable e.g. “K. Smith 006523 IVF Specimen 0009 I baptize you in the name of the father etc.”
No frozen embryos will be stored on-site. All products of the IVF process that are not implanted in the patient’s uterus for compulsory gestation will be provided to the patient in an Alabama or Auburn-themed YETI cooler (subject to availability) for at-home storage in a medically appropriate liquid nitrogen dewar or in the deep freeze out on the carport, at the patient’s discretion.
Thank you for your cooperation in these matters. We feel that adoption of these guidelines will allow us to continue operation within the strictures imposed upon us by the surprise-they-were-theocratic-the-whole-time Alabama judiciary.