1. “She’s lowkenuinely sheesh.”

2. “Relaxmaxxing in languidoily.”

3. “Twosday to Whensday, I’m mogging moids.”

4. “That chopped chud.”

5. “FAHH.”

6. “Pay your fannum tax.”

7. “Fifteen pigeon takee offa you, stlongfella.”

8. “Hoppy on akkant of his joyicity.”

9. “The referee amogus uncanny.”

10. “My salty shmlawg.”

11. “So weenybeenyveenyteeny.”

12. “Comeday morm and you’re vine!”

13. “Raise your ya ya ya.”

14. “Need poggers tea?”

15. “In the twitterlitter.”

16. “Shize? I should shee!”

17. “Stoop if you are abcedminded.”

18. “Ireland sober is Ireland stiff.”

19. “Ohio sober is Ohio stiff.”

20. “Did I hear, ‘Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk?’ Am I delulu?”

Answer Key

Your child is suffering from brain rot: 1, 4, 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, 14,

Your child is quoting Finnegans Wake: 7, 8, 11, 12, 15, 16, 17, 18,

Your child is James Joyce suffering from brain rot: 2, 3, 19, 20

You are suffering: 1-20

I wrote a novel called CHOKEVILLE. You can get it at fireland.com. Here’s what it’s about:

Welcome to Fort Hook, a lawless port city teeming with gangsters and smugglers and dipshits. Down near the bottom of the ladder is Batya, who’s worked as muscle-for-hire since she was a little girl.

Last month, she tried to go straight by running a very mediocre food truck. That went real bad real fast, and now she’s being hounded by the local kneecappers. Desperate and broke, she’s forced to team up with her estranged (and rude) sister Mina for a week of increasingly hairy courier jobs.

All that stands between Batya and her payday is a pirate queen, a stupidly sharp sword, a lonesome deer demon, a talking severed hand, and a lifetime of old grudges and bad ideas. But I’m sure it’ll work out fine.

“My fellow Americans, our nation is back—bigger, better, richer and stronger than ever before.” — Donald Trump during his State of the Union

My fellow Americans, I stand before you tonight to make one thing very clear: we are richer than ever before. You aren’t, of course. But we are. My friends and I are just, like, incredibly rich and only gonna get even richer. So. That’s basically my announcement.

My fellow Americans, despite what everyone else says, we are living in the golden age of America. Not your golden age, though. My golden age. As in: I am very old, and everything I own is either solid gold or gold-plated or painted in gold to make it seem like it’s real gold.

My fellow Americans, the stock market has skyrocketed since I took back the office. It’s been very lucrative for us. Not for you, obviously. Because you didn’t know when things would go up and down. But it’s been very lucrative for us, because we get to decide when things go up and down.

My fellow Americans, when I last spoke to this chamber twelve months ago, I had inherited a country that was on the brink of economic collapse under the weight of all the jobs it kept adding. Too many jobs and you’ll collapse, folks. That’s why we’re getting rid of jobs. No more jobs. Why? Because jobs have to pay people, and that costs money. Instead, we’re gonna do a thing called “AI Does It.” Here’s how it works: Is it your job? AI does it now.

My fellow Americans, we’re no longer going to have to pay taxes. You will, still. You’ll have to pay a lot of taxes, actually. But not me and my guys. We’re done with taxes. We beat taxes. Taxes lost very badly, and now we don’t have to deal with them—you do.

My fellow Americans, we’re bringing money back to our country. We’re using a thing called tariffs. Here’s how it works: You have to pay more for things, and that money becomes the people’s money. (The people are my family and me.)

My fellow Americans, we are going to get even richer over the next three to twelve years of my presidency. And when I saw “we,” I’m using the royal we. You understand? Not the grammar thing. The king thing.

My fellow Americans, we’re going to be able to afford a home. Not you—you will never own a home. But we will own many homes. Each of us will own a whole bunch of great big homes, so many that a lot of them will just be empty. That’s our American Dream. Not your dream, clearly. Our dream.

My fellow Americans, a short time ago, we were a dead country. Now we are the hottest country anywhere in the world. The hottest, and getting hotter and hotter until it’s too hot to live here anymore. For you, of course. Too hot for you. I’ve got a great, ice-cold bunker. The best bunker ever. I guess this one isn’t about money. It should be. So, the bunkers are also absolutely covered in gold.

Comic strip for 2026/02/22