“‘The leadership of 60 Minutes is no longer recognizable,’ Scott Pelley said late Tuesday, just hours after being fired from CBS News after almost 40 years at the network. ‘The principles I hold dear are gone, and so I must leave as well.’”
— Variety

Previously, in the Animal Newsroom.

TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SUBJECT: NEWS MAN TOO ANIMAL

NEWS TEAM,

ANIMAL WRITE MEMO WITH HEAVY HEART AND LIGHT HR OVERSIGHT.

MONDAY MEETING WITH NEWS MAN GO BAD. NEWS MAN SPEAK LOUD. NEWS MAN SAY THINGS. NEWS MAN DEFEND JOURNALISM LIKE JOURNALISM CAN BE SAVED FROM ANIMAL’S LARRY ELLISON MONEY.

THIS MAKE ANIMAL THINK: WHOA. NEWS MAN TOO MUCH ANIMAL EVEN FOR ANIMAL.

THIS HARD FOR ANIMAL TO SAY. ANIMAL RESPECT PASSION. ANIMAL LOVE YELLING. ANIMAL ONCE ATE THREE MICROPHONES AFTER CECOT SEGMENT. BUT THERE ARE LINES. NEWS ROOM HAS STANDARDS. THOSE STANDARDS NOW VERY FLEXIBLE, BUT STILL TECHNICALLY LINES.

NEWS MAN CREATE HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT BY SAYING JOURNALISM SHOULD BE GOOD. MANAGEMENT FEEL UNSAFE AROUND FACTS.

THEN NEWS MAN REFUSE APOLOGY LETTER. ANIMAL UNDERSTAND. ANIMAL ALSO REFUSE MANY LETTERS. CEASE AND DESIST. FINAL WARNING. NOTE FROM PBS SAYING PLEASE RETURN BIG BIRD’S CYMBALS.

NEWS MAN MADE PEOPLE REMEMBER NEWS WAS NOT ALWAYS CONTENT DISPENSER BETWEEN DRUG COMMERCIALS AND ADS FOR GOLD PRESIDENT PHONE. SO NEWS MAN MUST GO.

REMEMBER: MANAGEMENT STILL LOVE COURAGE. COURAGE JUST NEED PREAPPROVAL.

AAAAAGGGHHH,

ANIMAL
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SUBJECT: NEW BEAR SAME FUTURE

NEWS TEAM,

QUICK ANIMAL FOLLOW-UP: NEW EXECUTIVE PRODUCER IS FOZZIE BEAR. FOZZIE ASKS TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” AND THEN, WHEN SUBJECT REFUSED TO ANSWER, FOZZIE SAY, “Wocka wocka,” WHICH IS INDUSTRY TERM FOR ACCOUNTABILITY.

TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: FOZZIE BEAR, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
SUBJECT: WOCKA WOCKA

Dear pals,

First of all, wow, what a room. Tough crowd! And I should know, because I have performed for two old men on a balcony who once heckled me for not wearing pants.

I just want to say I love this institution. I love the news. Some of you may be wondering why I accepted this job knowing I have no discernible reporting skills and don’t wear pants, or anything down there, really. Well, that is very hurtful, but fair. Ha! Get it? Fair? Like balanced journalism? Wocka wocka!

Please don’t throw anything heavy.

Warmly,
Fozzie

TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SUBJECT: BIG BEAR ENERGY

NEWS TEAM,

ANIMAL VERY EXCITED FOR FOZZIE. FOZZIE BRING FRESH ENERGY, BIG HAT, NONTHREATENING FACE. FOZZIE NOT INTIMIDATED BY POWER. POWER SIGNING OUR PAYCHECKS NOW THOUGH, SO NO SURPRISE. FOZZIE MOSTLY INTIMIDATED BY ELEVATORS, SILENT ROOMS, AND ANYONE WHO MENTION LACK OF PANTS.

SOME STAFF WORRY FOZZIE NOT RIGHT FIT. SOME SAY SHOW NEED PRODUCER WITH DEEP INSTITUTIONAL KNOWLEDGE, NOT BEAR WHO CARRY BRIEFCASE FULL OF BANANA PEELS. ANIMAL HEAR CONCERNS. ANIMAL PLACE CONCERNS IN BOX MARKED “REMARKABLE INCIVILITY AND CONTEMPT” NEXT TO NEWS MAN.

LET ANIMAL BE CLEAR: PUBLIC DISAGREEMENT BAD. PRIVATE CONVERSATION ALSO BAD. IF NEWS SHOW BEING MURDERED LIKE NEWS MAN SAY, PLEASE RAISE HAND, WAIT TO BE CALLED ON, AND USE WORDS LIKE “realignment” AND “legacy evolution” OR JOIN NEWS MAN IN BOX.

TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: FOZZIE BEAR, EXECUTIVE EDITOR
SUBJECT: SOME GREAT NEWSROOM IDEAS

Hi again,

I’ve been thinking… what if every investigative interview starts with a joke to loosen up the whistleblower? For example: “Why did the classified document cross the road? Because it was improperly retained!” Haaa!

No? Nothing? Boy, you folks really do not blink much.

Also, I am told some recent personnel decisions predated me. That is good, because I was worried I had done them in my sleep. I do sleepwalk sometimes, once straight into a pie.

Fozzie

TO: NEWSROOM
FROM: ANIMAL, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SUBJECT: SLAY THE NEWS

NEWS TEAM,

THIS IS MOMENT OF RENEWAL. OLD NEWS ASK HARD QUESTIONS OF POWER. NEW NEWS ASK HARD QUESTIONS OF STAFF, LIKE WHY STAFF SO ATTACHED TO OLD WAY WHERE JOURNALISTS DO JOURNALISM.

FOZZIE WILL LEAD US INTO FUTURE. FUTURE HAS COLLABORATION. FUTURE HAS SOARING STOCK PRICE. FUTURE HAS BEAR TRYING VERY HARD WHILE CORPORATE GIANTS MOVE FLOOR BENEATH HIM.

REMEMBER: WE NOT KILL NEWS. WE REFRESH FORMAT UNTIL PULSE HARD TO DETECT.

AAAAAGGGHHH,

ANIMAL
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

A.D. 1294. Exhibiting The Empire Of Kublai Khan, from Edward Quin’s Historical Atlas (1830)

The outbreak is being caused by a rarely seen species of Ebola virus with no licensed vaccine or treatment.

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May 8th, 2026: I saw the best minds of my generation, and they're doing great! They're really having a good time of it and it's so nice to see. – Ryan

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Hovertext:
Technically, this is literary humor.

Today's News:

Along I-65S at the border of Tennessee and Alabama, there was a Gentleman's Club right off Exit 6. It was next to a motel and a gas station. No town nearby. No civilization. Literally a corn field across the street. I never stepped foot inside but I will never forget it. The name? "Boobie Bungalow."

Thanks to the power of Google Maps time rewinding, you can see the establishment right here. Spin that camera around, it's unbelievably desolate.

As I was trying to find out more info about the place, I stumbled on this Bandcamp song paying tribute to it. Honestly, perfect song: I also ran across this Heather Hopkins piece about working at the place for a short stint - "Stripping away my naiveté at the Bungalow Club. As you might have guessed, the gentleman's club off the interstate in the middle of nowhere was not always a pleasant place. Hopkins piece is quite entertaining and enjoyable tho - well worth the read.

The club is gone now. Google Maps shows barely a husk of the prior establishment. I'm sure that's for the best.

But still.. helluva name.