President Trump “did absolutely nothing wrong,” White House counsel Pat Cipollone said Saturday, as lawyers representing the president got their first shot to poke holes in the impeachment case made this week by Democrats. — NPR, 1/25/20
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Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this closing statement I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my client, The Joker, is completely innocent.
What are we dealing with here? Why are we here? Are we here because a psychopath with a sadistic sense of humor tried to kill Batman? Or are we here before this court because from the moment he began his failed career as a stand-up comedian, there was a desire among the do-nothing prosecutors to see The Joker go to prison?
The fact that this trial even exists proves how unfairly our client has been treated. Critics have been out to get The Joker ever since he innocently began to commit armed robberies. Any fair-minded person watching the trial today will be able to see how terribly our client has been treated. The Deep-State investigators are the real criminals here. Holding rich white men who wear grotesque amounts of make-up accountable for their actions is something that should never be allowed to happen again!
The absurd thing is that Batman isn’t dead. In fact, he’s not even here in this courtroom. Where’s the crime? Where are the victims? Can anyone answer me that? I didn’t think so.
It was a perfect plot to kill Batman. There was no pressure put on anyone. No one even complained until Harvey Dent started asking questions. What the prosecution is doing is a disgrace to Gotham’s criminal justice system. No one has been victimized by the criminal justice system as much as our client, The Joker, and his perfect plot. This is a witch hunt. A Russian show trial. A Kafkaesque purge. I will use the term lynching here without any awareness of what that word really means and its historical context.
If there is any doubt as to my client’s innocence, I ask the jury to look at the neck of the lawyer prosecuting this case. It’s slender. Now look at our client’s neck, which is as thick as the maximum dosage of Adderall. What is more convincing than the comparable width of the necks of the prosecuting attorney in relation to our client’s neck?
Our client, The Joker, has done nothing wrong. It was a beautiful plot. Read the banknotes.
We reject this case as illegitimate. These brazen and unlawful claims against our client set a dangerous precedent. The motivation of those prosecuting this case is nothing more than an obsessive desire to hurt our client, the most innocent man in the history of men.
What laws did The Joker even break? As the sole survivor of a gang of bank robbers, he was acting entirely appropriately and within his powers. When asked if he broke the law, The Joker REPEATEDLY said, “No laws broken. A perfect plot.” I ask you, are these the words of someone who has committed a crime?
Are any of the core facts of this case in dispute? No. Did our client admit to trying to kill Batman on national television? Yes. Does the Penguin’s forthcoming tell-all book The Lair Where It Happened confirm the Joker is lying? Also yes. Is the Joker, in fact, kind of synonymous with the word “lying” at this point? Still again, the answer is yes.
But that proves nothing. Furthermore, the defense team will provide no evidence at this time to buttress our claim of our client’s innocence. We don’t need to provide exculpatory documents either. It’s enough that we’ve blocked all efforts of the prosecutor to access relevant documents in this case. That was clever of us. It’s enough that these words are coming out of my mouth.
The Joker never sought any personal gain in his attempt to kill Batman. He sought no financial advantage. He was entirely motivated by the desire to root out corruption in Gotham. No witnesses are needed. This case is not really about The Joker’s wrongdoing. This entire process is really about the prosecutor, his slender neck, a perfect plot to kill Batman, and a man called The Joker who has been victimized by absolutely everyone. And now, if you’ll allow me to enter into the evidence this nifty smoke machine and this mesmerizing mirror, I rest my case.